Late Night Jokes 9 December 2014
by John | 28th June, 2017
Read the latest of Late night jokes with the famous comedians of the Late Night Show with Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon – Late Night Political Joke
Umpire Dale Scott recently became the first major league umpire to come out as gay. Well, he says he’s out, but another ump said he was safe, so now we have to wait to see what the replay says.
Umpire Dale Scott came out during an interview with Referee magazine. It’s a huge shock — you know, that there’s something called Referee magazine.
Starbucks is offering a limited number of sterling silver gift cards that cost $200. They say it’s a very classy way of saying, “I know nothing about you.”
New research has found that 84 percent of vegetarians and vegans ultimately return to eating meat. It turns out the way animals are treated is nothing compared to how people treat vegetarians.
The Late Late Show with Conan O’Brien – Late Night Political Joke
Some people are mad over the Discovery Channel’s “Eaten Alive” special about a man getting eaten by an anaconda because the snake didn’t completely swallow him. This proves there are two things America will not stand for: false advertising and portion control.
Scientists say they’re getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.
This week Apple stores are holding free computer programming classes for children. Or as that’s called in China, a job fair.
McDonald’s released a new video showing how it makes their Chicken McNuggets. Apparently it turns out that McNuggets aren’t made out of chicken. They’re made out of people who ask too many questions.
Late Show with David Letterman – Late Night Political Joke
On CBS tonight we are following the great holiday special, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Good news: Rudolph is out of rehab and his nose is no longer red.
Princess Kate and Prince William are in New York City. Last night they went to a basketball game in Brooklyn and saw the Cavs play the Nets. They sat at courtside. Where do they get that kind of money?
After the game in a gesture of friendship, LeBron James put his arm around Princess Kate. You’re not supposed to do that. You can’t touch royalty, as I continually remind my staff.
While the prince and princess are in New York City they will be visiting people who are less fortunate — you know, like the Jets.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson – Late Night Political Joke
A man in Dublin punched a hole in a $10 million painting by Claude Monet. And today he was sentenced to five years in prison. For punching a painting? There are going to be more fists going where they shouldn’t.
Why would an Irish dude walk into a museum and punch a Monet? If he punched a Rothko, I’d understand. Am I right, art majors?
I don’t care for Mark Rothko or Jackson Pollock. That impressionist stuff started with Marcel Duchamp. I’m getting more cerebral, but I’m out of here in nine days so if I want to talk about Marcel Duchamp, I’ll do it. And I won’t do any more jokes about Taylor Swift breaking up with all those dudes.
I want to check my Twitter feed now to see if anyone’s angry at me for that Rothko comment.
Jimmy Kimmel Live – Late Night Political Joke
A nor’easter is hitting the East Coast right now. Why do we say “nor’easter” instead of “northeaster”? The only people who should be allowed to say “nor’easter” are people who make a living catching and/or processing cod.
The Weather Channel is calling the winter storm “Damon,” after Matt Damon. So if anything bad happens, it’s on him.
At the White House yesterday, they kicked off Computer Science Education Week. Students gave tutorials on computer code and President Obama sat down and wrote one. All his program does is draw a box, which he’s hoping he can crawl into and hide in for the rest of his term.
Every year Americans spend millions of dollars on Christmas gifts for their pets, which makes no sense to me. Your pet doesn’t know it’s Christmas. In fact, your pet doesn’t even know it’s a pet, so giving your cat a sweater is about as useful as giving your microwave a hat.
Late Night With Seth Meyers – Late Night Political Joke
A flight headed from San Francisco to Phoenix had to make an emergency landing in L.A. today after a passenger gave birth midflight. The parents called the birth a miracle while the airline called it a second carry-on.
The woman gave birth in the middle of a flight. I’m happy to report that the mother and child are doing fine, while the guy who was sitting next to her is not.
A church in Alabama will start hosting their Sunday services at Buffalo Wild Wings so they can reach a wider audience. And no audience is wider than the people who eat at Buffalo Wild Wings.