Late Night Jokes 30 September 2014
by John | 28th April, 2017
Read the latest of the late night jokes with Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Furguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon – Late Night Political Joke
Last night rookie quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo made his debut for the New England Patriots after Tom Brady made a ton of mistakes during the game. Even Garoppolo’s family said, “Oh, we came to see Tom Brady.”
The NFL recently hosted a football workshop in China. Unfortunately, most kids just ran when they heard the word “workshop.”
UPS is bringing 3-D printers to stores across the country so that customers can make their own products. It’s all part of the new UPS business plan — going out of it.
Harley-Davidson is recalling more than 100,000 motorcycles because of a problem with the clutch that could cause crashes. As opposed to that other thing that causes crashes: dads in a mid-life crisis who have no business riding a Harley.
Late Show with David Letterman – Late Night Political Joke
Your applause makes up for me not being invited to Clooney’s wedding.
The bachelor party is still going on after George Clooney’s wedding. He’s been having a bachelor party for the last 20 years.
Last night the New England Patriots got routed 41-14, and a Kansas City Chiefs player was fined because he was in the end zone praying. That’s different than the New York Jets. They pray to get INTO the end zone.
A mailman in New York City was arrested because they found 40,000 pieces of mail in his basement. The mailman said he didn’t deliver the mail because he was too lazy. He just didn’t have that special drive that it takes to be a mailman.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson – Late Night Political Joke
Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps is in trouble. He was arrested for his second DUI. Because he is an athlete who is repeatedly in trouble with the law, today he was made an honorary member of the NFL.
Prince released his first new album in four years today. I haven’t heard it yet. I only listen to music that Apple forcibly puts on my phone.
The Patriots got crushed last night 41-14. Some people are saying it’s all over for quarterback Tom Brady. Because without football, what does he have left other than his money, Super Bowl rings, and supermodel wife?
The Patriots were tackling worse than the White House security team. Tom Brady had more bad throws than the pillow section at Bed, Bath & Beyond. And there were more fumbles than during a Joe Biden speech.
Jimmy Kimmel Live – Late Night Political Joke
McAfee, the Internet security firm, released its annual list of the most dangerous celebrities to search for online. The world’s most dangerous person to search for online is me. If you search my name, there’s a 1 in 5 chance you’ll land on a malicious website. It’s an honor just to be nominated, but to win this thing!
Who would have guessed that a boy who used to carry a briefcase to junior high and play the clarinet would wind up being the most dangerous person of 2014?
“SpongeBob SquarePants” is the subject of government criticism in Kazakhstan. According to their education ministry, SpongeBob is “a self-absorbed bully who regularly inflicts violence on others and seems to enjoy it.” Well, of course SpongeBob is self-absorbed. He’s a sponge.
You know what, Kazakhstan? If you don’t like “SpongeBob SquarePants,” change it to your other channel. That’s why you have two.
Late Night With Seth Meyers – Late Night Political Joke
Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps was arrested early this morning for drunk driving. Police say Phelps aggravated the situation when they tried to give him a breathalyzer and he held his breath for six minutes.
It was reported today that the recent security breaches at the White House could cost the director of the Secret Service her job. Luckily, after she’s escorted out of the building, it should be pretty easy for her to get back in.
The Bravo network is under fire after it let go 16 editors from the show “Shahs of Sunset” after they tried to unionize. Said the editors, who’ve had to watch every episode of “Shahs of Sunset,” “No, no, we said we wanted to be euthanized.”