Late Night Jokes 24 September 2014
by John | 28th June, 2017
Read the latest of late night jokes with the greatest comedians from the late night jokes Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Furguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon – Late Night Political Joke
President Obama is facing criticism over an incident yesterday where he was holding a cup of coffee in his hand, and then used that same hand to salute a Marine. Though with all that’s going on in the world, I’m surprised he didn’t salute with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a cigarette in the other.
President Obama said that over 40 countries have offered to help the U.S. fight ISIS. Of course they said it the same way your friends do when they promise to help you move. “Yeah just call me, you know, if I’m around. It’ll be fun.”
The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather — because what can go wrong when you combine the efficiency of government with the accuracy of weathermen?
Honey Boo Boo’s Uncle Poodle announced that he just got engaged to his boyfriend, Alan. The family was shocked. They said, “What kind of name is Alan? Shouldn’t his name be Pork Rind or maybe Chicken Wing?”
Conan O’Brien – Late Night Political Joke
President Obama is being criticized for saluting a soldier while holding a pumpkin spice latte. Today he sincerely apologized while eating a maple glazed doughnut.
The Secret Service is considering several new measures to keep people from trying to get into the White House. The first thing they’re going to do to keep people out is put up a sign that says “Blockbuster Video.”
The federal prison population has dropped by almost 5,000 people. It’s expected to go back up once the NFL season ends.
In an interview, Kim Cattrall said there could be another “Sex in the City” movie. An hour later, ISIS surrendered — there’s only so much they can take.
Late Show with David Letterman – Late Night Political Joke
Today is the Jewish new year — 5775. It’s hard to believe we’ve been doing this show since 5754.
There’s a picture of President Obama getting off his helicopter and he’s got a cup of coffee in his hand, and he salutes the Marine guards with the cup of coffee. It’s all part of the new Jerry Seinfeld series, “Presidents in Helicopters Getting Coffee.”
President Obama addressed the U.N. today. Coincidentally, on the same day Chris Christie addressed the International House of Pancakes.
It’s quite a responsibility for the president to address the U.N. Yesterday he spoke on climate change. Today he spoke on terrorism. And tomorrow he talks about how to buy real estate with no money down.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson – Late Night Political Joke
London, England, was named the world’s most expensive city. A loaf of bread in London costs $8. A tube of toothpaste costs . . . I forgot, they don’t use toothpaste.
London is expensive. I’ve lived there. How expensive is London? London so expensive, Prince Charles is renting out his ears to make extra cash.
London is so expensive that Prince Harry can’t afford to wear pants.
When Oprah shops in London, she has to use coupons.
Jimmy Kimmel Live – Late Night Political Joke
The White House posted a video that got people upset. The president saluted two Marines with a cup of coffee in his hand. It’s not the first time Obama’s done something like this. Remember that time he said The Pledge of Allegiance while holding a Hot Pocket? Or when he visited an aircraft carrier with a $5 footlong? The man never learns.
By the way, the worst part of the whole coffee thing? They got the president’s name wrong on the cup. They had “Sunblock Yomama.”
Today an Indian spacecraft reached the orbit of Mars. Not only did India succeed on their first attempt, they did it on a very modest budget — $74 million for the mission. Which happens to be, truly, $26 million less than it cost to make the movie “Gravity.”
Congratulations to India. They were able to keep the mission’s costs down by outsourcing all of the work to themselves. And who knows, if it keeps going, in a few years, maybe we’ll have the first call center on Mars.
Late Night With Seth Meyers – Late Night Political Joke
Over the weekend, Bruce Jenner and his wife of 23 years, Kris Jenner, filed for spinoffs.
According to reports, the Jenners will split $60 million in their divorce settlement. That number raised a few eyebrows. Not theirs, of course, but a few.
Several lingerie companies have started setting up bra-fitting events in offices, called “bra parties.” Meanwhile, in offices in China and India, people are working.
Wal-Mart is launching a new mobile checking account app. It’s designed for that small percentage of Wal-Mart customers who are mobile.