Late Night Jokes 23 October 2014
by John | 28th April, 2017
Read the latest of Late night jokes with the famous comedians of the Late Night Show with Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel.
The Late Late Show with Conan O’Brien – Late Night Political Joke
Looks like they’re working out the Ebola situation. The CDC has released new guidelines about what healthcare workers should wear to protect themselves when treating Ebola patients. For starters, this Halloween they’ve outlawed the slutty hazmat suit.
At a polling station while President Obama was standing next to a woman, a man shouted out, “Hey, Mr. President, stay away from my girlfriend.” He didn’t say this because Obama was flirting with her, but because his girlfriend is a Democrat running for re-election.
The NFL has created a sportsmanship award that will be presented to the winner on the eve of the Super Bowl. The winner will be whichever NFL player’s not in jail on the eve of the Super Bowl.
Actor Matthew McConaughey says he doesn’t want the Washington Redskins to change their name. When asked for a comment, a spokesman for all Native-American tribes said, “I guess that settles it. Just waiting for word from Matthew McConaughey. Now we can move on.”
Due to a technical glitch, Taylor Swift’s new single was released as eight seconds of static, and it still went to No. 1 on iTunes.
A diet pill endorsed by Dr. Oz was found to be based on bogus scientific research. Yeah, people are shocked that you can’t trust a TV doctor named after a lying wizard.
Politicians in Miami have passed a resolution to split Florida into two states. Yeah, the two states would be known as Geezerville and Methylvania.
Musician Kenny G. Was in Hong Kong showing support for protesters there. Kenny G. played three notes and they immediately surrendered to Hong Kong.
Yesterday yet another person jumped the White House fence. It happened again. On the bright side, at least Michelle Obama is finally getting more Americans to exercise.
The stock market is going crazy. Earlier this week, Warren Buffett lost $2 billion. Luckily, Buffett found it this morning under a pile of $8 billion.
Scientists found they have evidence that human beings had sex with Neanderthals. Apparently the evidence is any episode of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”
Kenny G caused a controversy. I never get to say that. He tweeted his support of the Hong Kong protesters. Now China’s communist government is mad at him. China has threatened to pill Kenny G’s music out of all of their elevators.
An Apple computer built by Steve Jobs in his garage in 1976 sold for nearly $1 million. It makes it the most affordable Apple product currently on the market.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson – Late Night Political Joke
It was Game 1 of the World Series tonight. The Kansas City Royals haven’t been in the World Series since 1985. Things were very different back then. Tensions were high with Russia, Congress locked up in partisan bickering, my career was in the dumps. These are all bad examples.
If San Francisco wins the World Series, you can expect a big parade. If San Francisco loses, you can expect a big parade. If you go to San Francisco anytime, expect a big parade.
Scientists have done a virtual autopsy on King Tut’s body. They say King Tut had buck teeth and a club foot. If they want to know what King Tut looked like, why didn’t they just ask Larry King?
Yesterday on Hollywood Boulevard, Batgirl and Mr. Incredible got into a fight. And the fight was broken up by Chewbacca. That is true. That is also, coincidentally, the plot of the next “Star Wars” movie.
You should never get involved in a fight between superheroes. That’s a wookie mistake.
There are big political protests going on in Hong Kong. Today the protesters were visited by frizzy-haired maestro Kenny G. You know the protest is peaceful when it brings in the king of smooth jazz sax.
Kenny G tweeted his support for the Hong Kong protesters. The Chinese government must have been furious. They responded the only way they can. They called in Enya.
It’s a great day for America — or is it? Because today is National Talk-Show Host Day. Yep. That is a real thing. How sad is that?
“National Talk-Show Host Day” is the day we honor middle-aged white guys brave enough to mock the misfortunes of others from the safety of their TV studios. Hooray!
There is a big party tonight at the late-night talk-show host clubhouse. No women or minorities allowed. Hey, I didn’t make the rules!
The good news is that today CBS sent me a cake for National Talk-Show Host Day. The bad news: It said “To Craig Kilborn.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live – Late Night Political Joke
Bill Murray is with us tonight. Booking Bill Murray is not unlike capturing a leprechaun.
In Kansas City tonight is Game 1 of the World Series. I love baseball. You know, baseball was our national pastime before selfies took over.
Kim Kardashian turned 34 years old. I hope she got the day off from work. Can you imagine trying to buy Kim Kardashian a gift. What do you get for the woman who has everything for no apparent reason?
Kim Kardashian, by the way, shares a birthday with Benjamin Netanyahu and the scientist Alfred Nobel. Which just goes to show you: Horoscopes are crap.
The annual Wastebook report was released today. This is an annual report that lists what Senator Tom Coburn describes as wasteful government spending. I didn’t read it. I’m waiting for the movie to come out.
Our government spent $387,000 giving rabbits a daily massage. That doesn’t sound wasteful to me. That sounds adorable.
It’s kind of ironic for a member of Congress to be complaining about government waste. I think we spend around $5 billion every year on Congress. We don’t seem to be getting anything out of that, right? What we got is a report on how much money they waste, so thank you.
Speaking of major expenditures, a new Starbucks drink is on the way. Starbucks soon will be offering a chestnut praline latte. And I have to say, it’s hard to criticize the government for wasteful spending when we pay $7 for candy-flavored coffee twice a day, right?
They say a chestnut praline latte is the perfect beverage to buy a rabbit after a relaxing massage.
Last night, someone jumped the White House fence again. See, the problem is, if the pizza doesn’t get to Obama in 30 minutes, it’s free. And that comes out of their paycheck.
A 23-year-old man from Maryland scaled the fence and started running on the White House lawn. He didn’t get very far. He was almost immediately attacked by two Secret Service dogs, which is good news, because I think we finally found a plot for “Air Bud 3.”
There have been seven fence jumps now at the White House so far this year. Maybe it’s time the president gives Joe Biden a key.
Fortunate for the intruder, dog bites are covered under Obamacare, so he will be fine.
Maybe people would stop trying to jump the fence if the first lady weren’t taunting us by growing gardens full of that sweet, sweet kale.