Late Night Jokes 20 November 2014
by John | 26th April, 2017
Read the latest of Late night jokes with the famous comedians of the Late Night Show with Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon – Late Night Political Joke
The Senate came one vote short of granting approval to build the Keystone pipeline. Democrats say the pipeline could accelerate global warming. Then people who’ve been outside today said, “Sounds good to me. Let’s accelerate that global warming.”
Chef Gordon Ramsay believes that his restaurant opening in London was sabotaged this weekend after a competitor booked rooms using fake online reservations. Officials have narrowed it down to “everyone who has ever worked for Gordon Ramsay.”
The Vatican is raffling off some of the Pope’s belongings for charity, including a tandem bicycle. While the Pope appreciates all gifts he receives, even he said, “What am I gonna do with a tandem bicycle?”
Google has developed image-recognition software that can accurately capture what’s happening in a photo. But it still has some bugs. It described Kim Kardashian’s recent photo as “Woman being chased by two Butterball turkeys.”
President Obama will travel to Las Vegas to speak at the same high school where he laid out his immigration plan two years ago. So Obama’s become that guy who graduated a while ago and still comes back to hang with the seniors.
The acting director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, said they may make the fence around the White House taller because of the recent security failures. When asked if he had any other ideas, he said, “Uh, make the sidewalk lower?”
After signing a contract for $325 million this week, Marlins player Giancarlo Stanton celebrated with a $20,000 bottle of Champagne. So let the road to inexplicable bankruptcy begin!
When asked what made the Champagne so expensive, the bartender said, “I heard this guy just made $325 million.”
The Late Late Show with Conan O’Brien – Late Night Political Joke
I don’t know if you know this but Hitler was a painter and one of his watercolor paintings is being auctioned off. It’s expected to sell for over $60,000. So if you’re looking for a wedding gift for Charles Manson . . .
Yes, Charles Manson is engaged. And his future mother-in-law says she approves of her daughter marrying Manson. She said Manson has very nice personalities.
Tomorrow night President Obama will announce his new immigration plan. Obama’s favorite part of his new immigration plan is that he gets to emigrate to another country. He’s tired of all this.
Analysts say Obama’s new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.
Late Show with David Letterman – Late Night Political Joke
Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address — while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!
Charles Manson is marrying a woman in prison. Manson is 80 and his bride-to-be is 26 years old. He swept her right off her feet. It’s probably because he carved a swastika in his forehead. Chicks dig that.
The Manson couple met on a website called “OK Stupid.”
If you’re looking to get the Mansons a gift, they’re registered at Bloodbath & Beyond.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson – Late Night Political Joke
The new season of “Duck Dynasty” premiered tonight. Try to contain your excitement, gay community.
Today is my friend Larry King’s birthday. You know who else has a birthday today? Actress Jodie Foster. Larry King and Jodie Foster are very different, of course. One’s a grizzled showbiz veteran who’s bedded hundreds of women. And the other one is Larry King.
Today is also the holiday known as National Day of Monaco. Monaco is independent, but they’re defended by France. In other words, they’re on their own.
Anyone ever flown JetBlue? No, that’s not true. If you’d flown JetBlue, you would still be at the airport.
I hear JetBlue is reducing leg room by 1.5 inches. Know why? Because so many passengers on JetBlue look around and say, it’s so roomy in here! I feel so uncomfortable with all this space!
It’s the 105th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It’s all Lincoln this, Lincoln that, Lincoln with his big hat, oh sure! But you know who the unsung hero is? Lincoln’s cue card guy.
There will be no Kardashian family Christmas card this year because they couldn’t decide on an appropriate photo. I thought, when did the word “appropriate” ever have anything to do with that family?
Jimmy Kimmel Live – Late Night Political Joke
President Obama gave a speech on immigration tonight, and none of the big four TV networks aired it. Even television wants to distance itself from President Obama now.
The band One Direction is here tonight. Why do girls scream when they see their favorite pop stars? I wonder if long ago there was some handsome Neanderthal playing a gourd and all the women went “Ahhh!”
Yeah, One Direction, it’s very exciting. I’ve already fainted nine times. Lots of tweens have lined up in the alley in the back of our studio. It’s like tween skid row out there.
Fifty percent of the nation is covered in snow. Record low temperatures, a very cold autumn so far. But on the bright side, you’re one good ice storm away from getting out of Thanksgiving with the in-laws.
The National Weather Service issued wind chill advisories. You hear that, wind? You’re being advised to chill.
Germany has overtaken the United States as the world’s favorite country. Germany is the most popular country in the world. That is one hell of a comeback.
The favorite country survey was based on more than 20,000 people in 20 countries. Isn’t it a little bit unfair that they did this before the McRib came back?
Late Night With Seth Meyers – Late Night Political Joke
Today is Vice President Joe Biden’s birthday! Biden started the day with a dance party and a big piece of cake, and then he remembered it was his birthday.
Bono broke his arm in six places, and fractured his hand and shoulder blade in a bike accident in Central Park this week. But that’s what can happen when you live your life too close to The Edge.
Today police in Israel seized dozens of weapons that had been disguised as Christmas decorations. Israeli police became suspicious when they saw CHRISTMAS decorations.
Due to extreme weather in upstate New York, some drivers were stranded in their cars for up to 36 hours. It was intense. Some of them reported hearing that new Taylor Swift song on the radio as many as 100 times.
The dating site OKCupid is adding more gender and sexual orientation options on their website. But they still don’t have a category for “not desperate.”
Netflix announced yesterday that they are expanding to Australia in March. Of course, in Australia the computer buffering icon spins the other way.