Late Night Jokes 18 November 2014
by John | 28th April, 2017
Read the latest of Late night jokes with the famous comedians of the Late Night Show with Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon – Late Night Political Joke
Yesterday Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria gave outfielder Giancarlo Stanton a 13-year contract for $325 million — marking the first time a team’s owner was tested for drugs.
The Miami Marlins signed Giancarlo Stanton to a deal worth $325 million, which is the biggest contract in American sports history. When asked what he would buy with $325 million, Stanton said, “the Miami Marlins.”
Washington state just had its first marijuana auction and ended up selling 300 pounds of pot for $600,000. And it was all bought by a customer from out of state — named Giancarlo Stanton.
It’s rumored that Kim Kardashian may buy a private island near Australia. Because if there’s one thing she can’t live without, it’s her privacy.
The Late Late Show with Conan O’Brien – Late Night Political Joke
Charles Manson has applied for a license to marry his 26-year-old girlfriend, who calls herself “Star.” There you go, folks, another eHarmony success story.
That’s right, Charles Manson has applied for a license to marry a 26-year-old girlfriend. Must be tough for single women out there. First Clooney, and then Benedict Cumberbatch, and now Manson. All the good ones are taken.
Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either life in space or a Whole Foods. We just don’t know.
This week a group of activists, known as Anonymous, hacked the Twitter account of the KKK. The KKK is furious. They said Anonymous is just a bunch of cowards who don’t have the courage to show their faces.
Late Show with David Letterman – Late Night Political Joke
Charles Manson is getting married. Charles Manson, in prison for life, 80 years old, and he’s marrying a 26-year-old woman. Yep, another success story for eHarmony.com.
Yesterday Manson made the announcement that he’s getting married, and today he’s being congratulated by the voices in his head.
The Manson wedding ceremony will be in Venice with guests Brad Pitt, Bono, Beyoncé, Cindy Crawford, Tony Orlando, Bernie and Ruth Madoff, and Lou Rawls.
Here in New York City they are converting telephone booths into Wi-Fi hot spots. Because we have very few phone booths left, Clark Kent — Superman — has to use the men’s room at Starbucks.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson – Late Night Political Joke
Today is Latvian Independence Day. It’s been 96 years since Latvia broke free from Russia. And about two years until Russia takes them back.
It’s also Mickey Mouse Day. On this day in 1928, the first Mickey Mouse film, “Steamboat Willie,” premiered. Mickey Mouse is also a slang term for something cheap or poorly made. So around here, every day is Mickey Mouse Day.
There’s a new David Bowie album. I’ll explain. An album is a collection of songs meant to be played in order. And you’re supposed to pay for it, not find it on your phone like spam. Hear that Bono, you bombastic but generous leprechaun?
David Bowie’s new album is a greatest hits collection called “Nothing Has Changed.” On the cover he looks in the mirror and he says nothing has changed. When I look in the mirror I say, “Hello, grandpa.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live – Late Night Political Joke
Tonight I am going to reveal the identity of People magazine’s “sexiest man alive.” I want you to know I withdrew myself from consideration. I didn’t think it would be fair since I’m the one making the announcement.
Not only am I going to reveal the sexiest man alive, we’re going to beam him in here via Skype to officially anoint him. I have never felt more powerful or less attractive than I do today.
“Sexiest man alive” is like the nuclear launch code of magazine covers.
The criteria for sexiest man alive is very strict. First, you must be sexy. Second, you must be alive. If you’re ugly or dead, forget about it, you’re not going to win. We’ll see who wins in about 10 minutes. I hope it’s somebody fat this year, I really do.
Late Night With Seth Meyers – Late Night Political Joke
Charles Manson is getting married — which is weird because I thought he was already serving a life sentence.
A man in California was arrested after he stabbed his potential employer during a job interview. Well, at least now he knows where he sees himself in five years.
Justin Bieber will reportedly spend the next two weeks with a pastor to learn how to spread the word of God. “It won’t be easy, but I think it will make me a better person” — said the pastor.