Late Night Jokes 17 October 2014
by John | 26th April, 2017
Read the latest of late night jokes with the greatest comedians of the late night show Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Crai Furguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers. Jimmy is back with President Obama appointing Ron Klain, and David has the news about Lady Gaga getting married, check the city mentioned in “Travel and Leisure” magazine with Craig Check out what Kimmel has got to say about forbes and Seth Meyers has the about TSA.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon – Late Night Political Joke
The head of the TSA is stepping down after more than four years on the job. Well, he actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through security for three and a half years.
TSA Chief John Pistole announced that he is stepping down. So whoever takes his place is going to have some pretty big shoes to take off.
President Obama just appointed someone named Ron Klain as the new “Ebola czar” to oversee the government’s response to the crisis. You know that’ll be a tough job, but not as tough as introducing yourself as the Ebola czar and extending your hand.
Whole Foods is introducing a new system that will label its produce “good, better, and best” depending on their supplier’s farming practices. Good means “no pesticides,” better means “environmentally friendly,” and “Best” means “still not worth five bucks for an apple.”
The Pentagon just announced that its fight against ISIS will be called “Operation Inherent Resolve.” They came up with that name using “Operation Random Thesaurus.”
The Pentagon has picked “Operation Inherent Resolve” as the name for its fight against ISIS. Unfortunately, two terrorists got away while they were busy thinking of that name. Who cares what you call it. Just do something!
A Dutch motorcycle gang called “No Surrender” has declared war on ISIS, and plans to ride their motorcycles through Syria and Iraq. When they heard the name “No Surrender,” the Pentagon said, “Damn! That would have been a perfect name!”
A group called Clowns of America International — how does that name make any sense? — is criticizing the FX show “American Horror Story: Freak Show,” saying its portrayal of clowns feeds into the fear of clowns. Yeah, “Clowns of America International.” Even ISIS said, “Now THAT is a scary group!”
During an interview, Senator John McCain declared that the U.S. isn’t winning the war against ISIS. Even ISIS said, “Well, not with THAT attitude.”
Dallas Cowboys running back Joseph Randle was arrested for stealing cologne and a two-pack of underwear from a store in Texas. That’s disappointing for two reasons. First, he was stealing. Second, he couldn’t outrun a mall security guard. He’s an NFL running back. Break a tackle!
The marriage rate has hit an all-time low, with 1 in 5 adults over 25 having never been married. In fact, an ad firm has come up with slogans to get people on board. One slogan is: “Marriage, satisfaction guaranteed or your money back — half of it, anyway.”
Another marriage ad slogan is: “Marriage — look how happy your parents turned out.” And finally: “Marriage — because happy people are annoying.”
Late Show with David Letterman – Late Night Political Joke
In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.
President Obama doesn’t think he stands a chance of being re-elected.
President Obama was out playing golf today. He hit one tee shot 250 yards. Even golf balls are trying to distance themselves from him.
Today they arrested a White House intruder who was jumping over the fence to get OUT of the White House.
New York City has a terrible rat problem. As a matter of fact, today the mayor, Rick de Blasio — no, that’s Bill de Blasio — said every rat that comes into New York City must have its temperature taken.
These New York City rats are infected with countless viruses and bacteria. To put it in perspective, no one has tested positive for this many things since Alex Rodriguez.
Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve come to the right place. As a public service tonight, I will be taking the temperature of all viewers.
New York City is overrun with rats. We have so many rats that today Mayor Bill de Blasio was on live television asking every citizen here to make sure to have your rat neutered.
A running back for the Dallas Cowboys was arrested for shoplifting $123 worth of underpants and cologne. He was planning a big night out, I guess. I’m sure the NFL is thinking to themselves, “Oh, thank God it was just shoplifting.”
Donald Trump goes through $123 in cologne before lunch.
I was very happy to see that our old friend Jay Leno is coming back to television. He’s coming back to CNBC and he’s got a brand-new show. Jay drives a variety of exotic vehicles, and each week he runs down a different NBC executive.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson – Late Night Political Joke
“Travel and Leisure” magazine released a list of the snobbiest cities. You know what No. 1 is? It’s wherever Gwyneth Paltrow is.
Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t watch broadcast TV. She’s not going to say, “I finished my kale, so let’s watch CBS.”
“Time” magazine today released a list of the 25 most influential teenagers. When they heard they made it on the list, every teenager had the same response: “What’s a magazine?”
You know who is on this most influential teenager list? Kim Kardashian’s younger sisters. They’ve been very influential. They’ve influenced a lot of people to change the channel.
Amazon announced they’re opening a store in Manhattan. In other words, Amazon doesn’t understand the point of Amazon.
The government of Gibraltar gathered about 30 monkeys that they call “problem monkeys” because of their destructive behavior, and shipped them off to live in Scotland. What does it say about my homeland when a government sees “problem monkeys” and says, “You know where we should send them?”
When Justin Bieber’s monkey heard about this, it said, “Why didn’t you just abandon them in Germany, like some people?”
I don’t know about mixing monkeys with Scottish people. They can be violent and nasty and unpredictable. So be careful, monkeys.
Last night the governor of Florida refused to come out for a debate. He was upset that his opponent had a fan under the podium to keep cool. Now a governor and a fan are very different, of course. One oscillates back and forth, blowing hot air in everybody’s face. And the other one is a fan.
Dallas Cowboy Joseph Randle issued an apology to his teammates today after being arrested for shoplifting underwear and cologne. Randle says the incident was the biggest mistake of his life. Easy there, Randle. It’s not like you signed with the Raiders.
A group called “Clowns of America” is speaking out against the way they’re depicted on TV. They’re especially angry at the show “American Horror Story.” The problem with clowns is the angrier they get, the funnier it is.
The president of “Clowns of America” says they should be treated with dignity and respect. Sounds to me like they don’t want to be treated like clowns.
It’s still dry here in L.A. The mayor said residents should cut water use by 20 percent. Unfortunately, he said it in English so nobody understood him.
Jimmy Kimmel Live – Late Night Political Joke
Forbes has released their list of top-earning deceased celebrities. And the richest famous dead person this year is Michael Jackson. He earned $140 million this year. You have to admire Michael’s work ethic. A lot of big stars stop working when they die.
Apple announced a new generation of iPads and iMacs and a new operating system. They also announced that there’s no such thing as the Apple Watch. That was all a joke. Actually they said the Apple Watch is coming out early next year, which is funny because they already announced the Apple Watch last month. So now we’re getting excited when Apple reannounces things to us.
They should build apartments outside of Apple stores so people can live in line, waiting for their products. They just had a big announcement event recently. I wonder if they’re aware that the phrase “An apple a day” is just an expression. They don’t have to take it literally.
Warner Brothers has announced 10 new movies based on DC Comics. Finally, Hollywood is giving comic book movies a shot. Between DC, Marvel, and some smaller comic book companies, they’re projecting around 40 superhero movies by the end of the decade. We need a superhero to save us from all these superhero movies.
Macy’s announced that this year they will open their stores starting at 6 p.m. on Thanksgiving day for Christmas shopping. So now there’s even less time between sitting down to pray and be thankful and fighting a grandma for a flat-screen TV.
If you still have the energy to go shopping after you eat Thanksgiving dinner, you didn’t do Thanksgiving dinner right in the first place. If only there were some kind of a device you could use where you could buy things and have them shipped directly to your home.
Colorado police are worried that children on Halloween might mistakenly eat edible marijuana. Marijuana is legal there and includes candies and baked goods. You can tell if your kid is high if he won’t stop asking “Why?” when you answer his questions, or if he believes he has an imaginary friend.
Does your kid ride a bike around and around in circles? Does he take naps in the middle of the day or think there’s something or someone hiding under the bed? Does he sit in front of the TV all day? If your child exhibits any of that behavior, call the police immediately. You probably have a little stoner on your hands.
Late Night With Seth Meyers – Late Night Political Joke
The New York Giants have reportedly been debriefed about Ebola in preparation for their trip to Dallas to play the Cowboys this weekend. Though if this game is anything like last week, I wouldn’t worry about the Giants catching anything.
It was announced today that the head of the TSA will retire after 31 years. I guess he wants to spend his time sitting around doing nothing instead of standing around doing nothing.
A gang member turned rabbi has been arrested in New York for impersonating a police officer. A gang member, a rabbi, and a police officer. He’s basically a one-man version of the Village People.
Today Bono apologized to fans for automatically adding the new U2 album to every iTunes account. Though it doesn’t help that the apology comes pre-loaded on the new Apple Watch.
It must have been a scary moment for people when they saw a U2 album in their iTunes and thought they’d accidentally grabbed their dad’s phone.
A new poll shows that only a slim majority of Americans think the country is prepared for an Ebola outbreak. But I think we deal with outbreaks pretty well. It only took us a couple of months to completely eradicate Gangnam Style.