Late Night Jokes 17 November 2014
by John | 28th June, 2017
Read the latest of Late night jokes with the famous comedians of the Late Night Show with Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon – Late Night Political Joke
We had to postpone our U2 week here because Bono broke his arm over the weekend. Our producers said, “Where will we find another talented Irish guy on such short notice?” and I said, “Ahem,” and they said, “Good point. We’ll just cancel.”
One Direction member Zayn Malik missed the group’s concert on the Today show this morning because he was sick. Then he and Bono high-fived and spent the rest of the afternoon playing “Call of Duty.”
Kim Kardashian is heading to India to appear in the eighth season of the country’s version of “Big Brother.” It makes sense that she’s going to India because if you’re going to “break the Internet,” that’s the place to be.
The Late Late Show with Conan O’Brien – Late Night Political Joke
Pope Francis announced that next year he is coming to the United States, or as Fox News is reporting it, “Obama lets in yet another guy from South America.”
President Obama has pledged $3 billion to aid poor nations. All of that $3 billion is going to the United States.
Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets’ doctor said, “We don’t give painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans.”
Yesterday U2 singer Bono injured himself in a cycling accident. Even worse, guitarist The Edge was accidentally sanded down to a rounded curve.
Late Show with David Letterman – Late Night Political Joke
The Pope is coming to New York City. He said he would like to hold audiences with the downtrodden. He’s talking about the Jets and the Giants.
The Pope also said that while he’s in town he would like to go see “The Book of Mormon.”
Scientists discovered a virus that makes you dumb. And another virus that makes you dumber.
You get the virus from eating green algae. That will cause the dumb virus to kick in. And I’m thinking: Seriously, you’re eating green algae? I mean, you’re already dumb.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson – Late Night Political Joke
We’ve got Metallica on tonight. For Metallica, it’s nine studio albums, four live albums, 26 music videos, 37 singles, and one huge favor to a low-budget late-night train wreck.
The producers of this show worried that Metallica might trash the stage. Look at this dump. If they trash the stage, it will cause thousands of dollars of improvements.
The typical CBS viewer is not used to heavy metal. When the typical CBS viewer says “Enter Sandman,” it’s because he needs an afternoon nap.
Back in the day, there was antagonism between heavy metal fans and punk rockers. But bands like Metallica bridged the gap. If you were a punk, it was OK to like Metallica even though they had long hair and most of their teeth.
Jimmy Kimmel Live – Late Night Political Joke
Today is the day that only 10 years ago would have made no sense whatsoever. It’s National Unfriend Day. This is a day I founded five years ago. National Unfriend Day is like a juice cleanse for your Facebook page.
National Unfriend Day is not fun, but you will feel like a new person. You go through the list of Facebook friends and say goodbye to people that aren’t your friends. You don’t have thousands of friends.
Think of it as “restrangering,” not unfriending. If you would not invite them to dinner, they’re not a friend.
Meanwhile, Facebook is showing no sign whatsoever that they will ever leave us alone. They’re developing “Facebook at Work.” We already have a Facebook for people at work. It’s called Facebook.
Late Night With Seth Meyers – Late Night Political Joke
Miami Marlins outfielder Giancarlo Stanton has signed the biggest contract in American sports history, worth $325 million over 13 years. What could possibly go A-Rod?
A New York plastic surgeon has announced that he is creating “vacation breasts,” which are implants that would last two to three weeks. That’s amazing, isn’t it? Who gets a three-week vacation?
Last week a Florida woman and her 20-year-old daughter gave birth within three hours of each other at the same hospital. I guess there’s nothing like giving birth to take the edge off becoming a grandma.