Late Night Jokes 05 August 2014
by John | 28th June, 2017
Jimmy is back with the Hollywood gossips and Conan heating up with congress man and Craig is all on with CMA Music Festival, Kimmel is bringing out the new dictionary words and Seth is back with Hamas and Israel.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon – Late Night Political Joke
Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian have ended their so-called feud after eight years. Then John Kerry said, “Man, that was rough. Now on to the Middle East.”
Scrabble is adding more than 5,000 words to its dictionary, including “buzzkill.” As in, “Anyone who reads the dictionary for Scrabble is a total buzzkill.”
Buffalo is getting ready to host the National Scrabble Championship this weekend. They weren’t planning to host it, but it was raining and some of the Monopoly pieces were missing.
Last week New York’s Museum of Natural History hosted a sleepover for adults. Sleeping at a museum — or as kids call that, “going to a museum.”
Conan O’Brien – Late Night Political Joke
Scrabble is adding 5,000 new words including “chillax” and “selfie.” So kids, there’s never been a better time to challenge your grandparents to a game of Scrabble.
A Republican congressman has accused Democrats of waging a war on whites. As proof, he pointed to the recent bombing of the kale aisle at a Trader Joe’s.
LinkedIn has agreed to pay a $6 million settlement to employees. Unfortunately, the employees haven’t heard about it because like everyone else they automatically delete all emails from LinkedIn.
This week a giant tortoise was on the loose here in Southern California. Drivers on the freeway were shocked to see something moving so quickly.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson – Late Night Political Joke
Earlier tonight I was watching the “CMA Music Festival.” It was two hours of country music, big hats, and big belt buckles.
The CMA Music Festival is country music’s biggest night — if you don’t count the Country Music Awards, the Academy of Country Music Awards, the CMT Music awards, and the American Country Awards.
Tonight’s CMA Music Festival was held in Nashville — which is a coincidence because I was held in Nashville once.
Keith Urban is the country singer from Australia. I have a difficult time imagining a country music star from Australia. He’d sing lyrics like, “I lost my truck, my dingo eats babies, my boomerang’s broke, and Russell Crowe has rabies.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live – Late Night Political Joke
This week 5,000 new words will be added to the Scrabble Dictionary. One of the words is “mix tape.” Why add mix tape now instead of back in 1985, when it was actually a thing that existed?
Scrabble discovers cool words around the same time my mom discovers them.
The worst addition to the Scrabble Dictionary is “bromance.” That is what two guys who like each other and have a personal relationship are called. No, they’re called friends. I blame Facebook. Thanks to Facebook, the word “friend” doesn’t mean anything, which left the door open for “Us Weekly” to infect us with “bromance.”
Can we get someone from Scrabble on the show tomorrow? I want to put a stop to this.
Late Night With Seth Meyers – Late Night Political Joke
Officials from Hamas and Israel have agreed to a 72-hour cease-fire. Of course, we won’t have true peace in the Middle East until there’s a cease-fire that lasts longer than a mattress sale.
On Friday, a truck on an Indianapolis highway spilled over 45,000 pounds of butter onto the road. The governor called for a clean-up, while Paula Deen called for a national day of mourning.