Late Night Jokes 02 September 2014
by John | 28th April, 2017
Read the latest of late night jokes with the comedians Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, avid Letteman, Seth Meyers and Craig Furguson. All here today to give you the best political humor.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon – Late Night Political Joke
Welcome to The Tonight Show. I’m your host, former iCloud user Jimmy Fallon.
Over the weekend a hacker got into Apple’s iCloud and leaked nude photos of a number of celebrities, including Jennifer Lawrence and Kim Kardashian. Jennifer wants to sue the hacker for damages, while Kim wants to pay the hacker for his trouble.
Texas Senator Ted Cruz has invited President Obama to play golf on the U.S.-Mexico border. Cruz thought it was a funny way to point out problems the president hasn’t fixed yet. While Obama said, “So are we playing or not?”
A woman in Mexico claims that she turned 127 years old over the weekend. She says she’s still pretty happy, but worried that she’s still single and almost in her 130s.
Conan O’Brien – Late Night Political Joke
It’s rumored that next week the new iPhone is going to come out. It’s going to come with a larger screen, more memory, and it can leak celebrity photos twice as fast.
A spokesperson for Jennifer Lawrence, one of the people who had nude photos leaked, is calling her nude leaked photos a violation of privacy. Meanwhile Kim Kardashian is calling her nude leaked photos “stuff I was going to release next week.”
The man who released the nude photos of celebrities is admitting he’s on the run. However, he’s been given asylum by a shadowy group known only as “guys.”
Over the weekend the White House chef married an MSNBC news anchor. Or as Fox News reported it, “Person who serves the president marries person who serves the president.”
Late Show with David Letterman – Late Night Political Joke
What an awful day today. It’s 90 and insufferable. No, wait a minute. That’s me.
Here’s how hot it is. I got on the subway this morning and I saw a rat eating a Dove Bar.
Dr. Phil is 64 years old today. People want to know what to get Dr. Phil. I say if you want to get him something, how about a medical degree?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson – Late Night Political Joke
Do you read People magazine? Neither do I. But they released exclusive pictures of Angelina Jolie’s wedding dress. I don’t know about you, but I find it refreshing that people still get excited about pictures of celebrities wearing clothes.
Justin Bieber was arrested and charged with assault after his vehicle hit a mini-van. On the plus side, it was the first hit he’s had in a while.
Happy birthday to Keanu Reeves. He turned 50 years old today. He announced his next movie, “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Prostate Exam.”
In Los Angeles we got our first Dunkin’ Donuts shop. I can think of one reason why Dunkin’ Donuts might not be successful here. It’s the people of Los Angeles. They’ll say, “Do you have kale doughnuts?” “Is it organic?” “Were these doughnuts raised humanely?”
Jimmy Kimmel Live – Late Night Political Joke
I had a relaxing Labor Day weekend. It was a big weekend at the barbecue grill. I made Italian sausage with peppers and onions. And I ate and I ate. The object of Labor Day is to eat so much that I feel like I’m going into labor.
Nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and other female stars were leaked online over the weekend. I think you can tell how good or bad a person you are based on how many seconds you wait to Google Jennifer Lawrence nude after hearing the news. Anything under 60, you’re going to hell.
Early reports suggest that the culprits obtained photos by hacking into the Internet cloud through Apple’s iPhone app. Apple is denying that. They’re claiming hackers broke in by finding out email passwords. I think the CEO of Apple should be forced to apologize in the nude.
Next week they’re expected to announce a new iPhone with a virtual wallet. Apple is believed to be partnering with American Express. The wallet would replace having to carry credit cards around. You can lose your naked pictures and all your money in one easy step.
Late Night With Seth Meyers – Late Night Political Joke
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie finally got married during a secret ceremony at a chateau in France. They said their vows surrounded by 100 of their closest children.
Today is Keanu Reeves’ 50th birthday. And it’s a good thing, too. Any lower than that and the bus explodes.
Reports say that several of the world’s leading kale farms are running out of seeds after the recent increase in demand for the vegetable. I guess they can’t grow it as fast as we can throw it in the garbage.