Late Night Jokes 01 October 2014
by John | 28th April, 2017
Read the latest of the late night jokes from late night show with Jimmy Fallon,  David Letterman, Craig furguson. The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon – Late Night Political Joke Jimmy Fallon Late Night JokesAfter all the recent security breaches at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, resigned today. She said she’ll miss being in the White House, but knowing the Secret Service, she should be able to come back any time she wants. The door is always open, literally. This week a reporter asked Mitt Romney if he would run again for president in 2016, and Romney said, “We’ll see what happens.” Incidentally, that’s also what he says anytime his wife asks him to dance. In a new interview, Mitt Romney referred to Hillary Clinton as an “enabler” of the president’s foreign policy. Which would be a big deal if that wasn’t the definition of being secretary of state. During a routine stop at the JFK airport, Customs officials recovered 3.7 pounds of cocaine hidden in a woman’s platform shoes and purse. She might have gotten away with it if she didn’t hide the drugs in the two things they always search at airports. After all the recent security problems at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, officially resigned yesterday. When asked what she’ll do next, Pierson said she just wants to go home and spend some quality time letting strangers in her own house for a while. With so much speculation about the 2016 presidential election, the website ElectHillary.com is being sold for almost $300,000 and the website ChrisChristiePresident2016.com is being sold for almost $50,000. Meanwhile, the website “Biden4Prez” is just a Tumblr set-up by Joe Biden. He’ll take whatever — 50 bucks, 25 bucks. General Mills, maker of Cheerios, announced that it plans to cut up to 800 jobs. The CEO said, “Our earnings report is nothing but zeros! Wait, I’m sorry, I just spilled some Cheerios on there. Never mind — no layoffs. I apologize.” Secret Service Director Julia Pierson stepped down after two major security breaches at the White House. It turns out Pierson’s first job was actually as a costumed character at Disney World. I’m guessing the character was Sleeping Beauty. Pierson told her colleagues that the Secret Service actually needed to be more friendly and inviting like Disney World. I guess that’s why all White House intruders got a $30 photo of themselves hopping the fence. Scientists are suggesting that Pluto should be considered a planet again eight years after it was classified as a dwarf planet — and Americans are suggesting that scientists cut the crap about Pluto and figure out how to stop Ebola. A group in Russia has nominated Vladimir Putin for the Nobel Peace Prize. When Putin heard this he said, “I’m all about achieving piece — piece of Ukraine, piece of Poland. I hope to win many more pieces.” On Saturday the San Francisco Giants beat the Nationals in Washington in 18 innings. It was the longest postseason game in baseball history — proving that even in sports, it takes forever to get something done in Washington. The No. 1 movie from this weekend, “Gone Girl,” made $38 million. It’s about a wife whose husband tried to make her sit through an 18-inning baseball game. Today is Vladimir Putin’s 62nd birthday. He celebrated the way he always does: having someone try his cake before him. Vladimir Putin turned 62 years old today. It must be tough buying him a gift. What do you get for the man who has everywhere? The White House dismissed former Defense Secretary Leon Panetta’s criticisms of President Obama, saying he has faced some of the most difficult issues of our time. That would be a great defense if EVERY president didn’t face the most difficult issues of their time. That’s the job. At the Eiffel Tower they’ve installed a new glass floor that lets tourists see what’s going on hundreds of feet below them. It celebrates France’s favorite pastime: looking down on people. Conan O’Brien – Late Night Political Joke Late Night Jokes Conan O'BrienThe Secret Service let an armed ex-convict ride on the same elevator as President Obama. No word yet on which NFL player it was. Today the Secret Service director submitted her resignation. Actually she jumped the White House fence, ran across the lawn, dove through a window, and handed it to the president. The Secret Service maintains they can use lethal force to stop someone from entering the White House. After hearing this, President Obama invited tea party leaders over for lunch. The gay rights group GLAAD has released its annual report on TV. The History Channel got a very poor grade from GLAAD, which is why today the History Channel announced its new show, “Gay Hitler.” The Secret Service let an armed ex-convict ride on the same elevator as President Obama. No word yet on which NFL player it was. Today the Secret Service director submitted her resignation. Actually she jumped the White House fence, ran across the lawn, dove through a window, and handed it to the president. The Secret Service maintains they can use lethal force to stop someone from entering the White House. After hearing this, President Obama invited tea party leaders over for lunch. The gay rights group GLAAD has released its annual report on TV. The History Channel got a very poor grade from GLAAD, which is why today the History Channel announced its new show, “Gay Hitler.” The head of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned yesterday. We found out that she once worked at Disney World. She said she preferred working at the White House because people didn’t have to wait in line to get in. We also learned the new head of the Secret Service used to work for cable company Comcast. So now intruders can only sneak into the White House between the hours of 10:00 and 2:00. The NFL announced possible sites for next year’s draft have been narrowed to two locations. It’s either Rikers Island or San Quentin. Kanye West is in the news again. He was spotted smashing his iPhone in a fit of rage. Kanye was mad that Apple stole his idea of saying “I” before everything. Late Show with David Letterman – Late Night Political Joke David Letterman - Late Night Political JokeWe’re having a special night. Everybody here in the balcony is a White House fence jumper. Autumn is a beautiful time of year. At the White House, squirrels are rounding up nuts on the lawn, which is more than the Secret Service is doing. Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned. She hopped the fence and thanked President Obama. A few weeks ago President Obama was riding in an elevator, and it turns out a guy on the elevator had a gun. This is pretty scary stuff. Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson – Late Night Political Joke Late Night Jokes Craig FergusonToday is the “International Day of Older Persons.” It’s a day we entertain, amuse, and inspire the elderly. Or as CBS calls it, “a regular ol’ weekday.” Justin Bieber punched a photographer in Paris. All I can say is he’s your problem now, France. Bieber is in France. He should go over the border to Germany and save that monkey that he left. If this show was a monkey, I would leave it in Germany. We’re having a special night. Everybody here in the balcony is a White House fence jumper. Autumn is a beautiful time of year. At the White House, squirrels are rounding up nuts on the lawn, which is more than the Secret Service is doing. Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned. She hopped the fence and thanked President Obama. A few weeks ago President Obama was riding in an elevator, and it turns out a guy on the elevator had a gun. This is pretty scary stuff. Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary. The Obamas celebrated their 22nd wedding anniversary. It was a quiet late-night supper. It was just the Obamas and a couple of White House fence jumpers. They’re doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls. Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned, and in her closing statement she said, “I’m leaving, not because of the breaches in security, but I don’t think I can take the pressure of the upcoming trick-or-treaters.” Julia Pierson hopped over the fence and turned in her resignation. Evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. He will not be able to attend the ceremony. That week he will be invading Poland. The New York Jets were defeated 31-0. And NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell did nothing about it. Again! Jets coach Rex Ryan is so desperate to forget the loss that today he gave himself a concussion. Native Americans were so embarrassed about the game that they’re demanding the Jets change their name. In New York City, here’s a sure sign it’s autumn. Go to St. Patrick’s Cathedral. You can tell it’s autumn because they’ve replaced the holy water with cider. Geno Smith, the Jets’ quarterback, was supposed to be preparing for a game against San Diego, and instead of going to the team meeting he went to the movies. Maybe it’s time to do some concussion testing on Geno. People are upset because it now takes longer to get fast food. The average time to get your order is three minutes, four seconds — and people are outraged. Do what I do. While waiting, send out for a pizza. Jimmy Kimmel Live – Late Night Political Joke Jimmy Kimmel Late Night JokesDo you all feel safe right now? Are you aware that you’re in the presence of the most dangerous person on the Internet? According to McAfee, my name, of all the names in the world, is the most dangerous name to search online. Last year I was 39th. But I really stepped up my game this year. I am now at the top of the virus heap. I’m dangerous. Sometimes I even walk into Costco without my membership card. I’ve never been No. 1 at anything before. All these crazy news reports today are starting to make me feel like the TV equivalent of the Ebola virus. In California yesterday, Governor Jerry Brown signed the first state-wide ban on single-use plastic bags at grocery and convenience stores. I think it’s very interesting that a guy named Brown is forcing us to buy paper bags. Do you all feel safe right now? Are you aware that you’re in the presence of the most dangerous person on the Internet? According to McAfee, my name, of all the names in the world, is the most dangerous name to search online. Last year I was 39th. But I really stepped up my game this year. I am now at the top of the virus heap. I’m dangerous. Sometimes I even walk into Costco without my membership card. I’ve never been No. 1 at anything before. All these crazy news reports today are starting to make me feel like the TV equivalent of the Ebola virus. In California yesterday, Governor Jerry Brown signed the first state-wide ban on single-use plastic bags at grocery and convenience stores. I think it’s very interesting that a guy named Brown is forcing us to buy paper bags. Facebook is reportedly thinking of ways to incorporate health into their array of services. Here’s how it’ll work: If you get a cut or a bruise or something, take a picture of it and post it. If it gets more than 100 likes, you’re cured. Facebook is planning to form support groups where you can post your symptoms online and then other Facebook users will weigh in with totally uninformed opinions about what it is. Facebook probably figures they already control us emotionally, so why not get involved physically, too? One great way to improve your health is to stop spending the whole day on Facebook. Today is Russian President Vladimir Putin’s birthday, as those of you who are friends with him on Facebook know. Putin turned 62 today. To celebrate, he took a trip to Siberia — you know, the place they send other people in Russia as punishment? That’s where he had his birthday party. It’s interesting that in spite of all of Russia’s troubles, Putin has an 80 percent approval rating, which I guess is something that happens when your pollsters carry machine guns. In just a few hours there’s going to be a total lunar eclipse. The moon will be a coppery red color. They call it a blood moon. I like that kind of thing but never enough to actually wake up to see it. I’d rather look at it on my computer the next day. Late Night With Seth Meyers – Late Night Political Joke Seth Meyers Late Night JokesToday the director of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned. She’s being replaced by the White House’s new state-of-the-art security system — a scarecrow. Julia Pierson resigned but she remained in good spirits on her way out. She even politely held the door for some weird guy who was coming in. LeBron James’ childhood will be the subject of an episode of a new children’s TV series. Hopefully it’ll help teach kids a valuable lesson — that they can do anything they put their mind to as long as they’re amazing at basketball. Scientists in northern California and Oregon found that marijuana gardens are threatening the salmon population. I don’t see the problem, really. Everyone loves baked salmon. Today is Vladimir Putin’s 62nd birthday. When he got his presents he said, “You didn’t have to get me anything. I could have just taken it.” Tech experts say Facebook is planning to launch a service that lets users send each other money using the site’s messaging feature. Said moms, “Oh, so NOW you’re happy I’m on Facebook?” Archaeologists in Arizona have discovered the remains of a 1,300-year-old village. They found dwellings, stone tools, and hundreds of ballots cast for Senator John McCain. After a photographer was accused of harassing the royal baby Prince George, lawyers for Prince William and Kate Middleton said that their son “must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible.” They then added, “Now get away from our castle!” North Korea has reportedly been digging a tunnel all the way to South Korea. They’re making good progress because to dig the hole, they’re using the same team that shovels food into Kim Jong Un’s mouth. In a recent statement, Vladimir Putin said that Ukraine “has always been and would continue to be the closest sister nation to Russia.” And sometimes sisters fight when one sister steals the other sister’s boyfriend Crimea. Well, the husband of one of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” has been sentenced to 41 months in prison. He says he’s disappointed in the judge’s decision, but 41 months away from his wife is better than nothing. Today the director of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned. She’s being replaced by the White House’s new state-of-the-art security system — a scarecrow. Julia Pierson resigned but she remained in good spirits on her way out. She even politely held the door for some weird guy who was coming in. LeBron James’ childhood will be the subject of an episode of a new children’s TV series. Hopefully it’ll help teach kids a valuable lesson — that they can do anything they put their mind to as long as they’re amazing at basketball. Scientists in northern California and Oregon found that marijuana gardens are threatening the salmon population. I don’t see the problem, really. Everyone loves baked salmon.

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